He prepared my heart when I was a very young girl for adoption. He knew all along. When we thought we were making decisions, He really was. When we thought we picked adoption to start our family, he decided that. When we thought we would a biological child after we brought Harper home, He dropped another file in my hands and told us to go to China. When we came home with Talia and we thought we would want to get pregnant, He left us feeling indifferent. I take huge comfort in knowing He is sovereign over every aspect in our lives. Every detail planned out "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you". I take solace that He is the creator of all things and knit each of us uniquely and wonderfully.
Recently, without going too much into detail I was having some female issues and just kept brushing it off. I mean with our schedule the past few months this mama had no time for her own doctor appointments! They did a pelvic ultrasound and I just assumed it was a cyst or something of the sort. In my head I was thinking, well, we will just watch and wait but I will do the ultrasound as a precaution. I never expected the news I would hear. My gynecologist and me have this running joke. I see him once a year and literally I am there for 10 minutes..in and out! He says you don't need me to have kids. You are my easiest patient ever! Today I wasn't so easy.
He came into the room and announced I had a septate uterus. What in the world is that?, I inquired. He proceeded to tell me that it is a uterus that is abnormally formed and then he hit me with the statistics of late term and recurrent miscarriages. Apparently they never saw it before because this was my first 3D ultrasound. The doctor knew I have two adopted children and having biological children was never in my short term list of "things to do". However, long term plans it was still in the picture (although if you ask Todd it was never in his picture. Once we adopted Harper he was quite content to continue to build our family via adoption).
As I sat in the doctor's office listening to my new diagnosis with my fearfully made body I thought back on the past few weeks. This is how good our God is and this is why I am constantly in prayer and seeking His face. Ten nights ago on June 1st I had a dream of me miscarrying. I never had a dream like that before. It was an early morning dream where you wake up and don't go back to sleep. I was pretty shaken up and as we got ready for church that morning I told Todd. He said "Oh you just must be nervous about something."
It was our first time back to church as a whole family since Harper's surgery. We attended our small group class where the topic was "God Speaks." Our amazing small group leader talked about difficult times and hearing God speak through circumstance. God speaks through the church and through the bible. It was a great class and in my head I could not shake that dream I had. As our bible study leader was talking I was in full agreement because my best decisions were always where I let God direct my path. I was so thankful for Him and His word. Todd and I then proceeded to worship. Our pastor began to talk about people just like us who see God and what happens to them. Halfway through the sermon Pastor Alex told us to open up to Exodus Chapter 3. As I listened to the bible verse my eyes focused on the heading of my bible study bible. The title read, 'Miscarriage". I love my bible study bible because it breaks down a lot of verses I don't understand or can comprehend but this was not the heading I wanted to see and it scared me. I hit Todd in the arm and showed him the heading. We both thought it was odd. For the rest of the week I just kept praying and in my head I had been wrestling with the thought of having biological children. I began to think well maybe God is trying to tell me something or was it the enemy playing tricks with me. But you see our God is not a God of confusion. He is not indecisive. He doesn't alter plans. I promise you when you pray to Him with an open heart He will answer you. This time he left no margin of error or misinterpretation. When He answered my prayer it was crystal clear. As I sat in the doctor's office today I remember how great and awesome He is!
Todd and I chose to adopt as a way to start and build our family when we were dating. I actually told him on our 2nd date that I wanted to adopt from China! Through the years a lot of people have assumed that we have infertility issues since we were so young when we started adopting. We always thought we had the option to have biological children. I can't tell you how many times we would hear, 'Well once you adopt watch how fast you get pregnant"! I know they had good intentions but we were not trying to get pregnant. We didn't want to be pregnant. We wanted to adopt. I always thought those remarks were kind of sharp. As if adoption was 2nd best and having a biological child must be everyone's first choice. Well it was not ours. But we also thought we had a choice and who doesn't love options? Even though it was not our first choice, there is grieving for something that could have been. There is a sense of discontentment for not having a choice. There is pain for not being able to have a body that should be able to carry a child to term. I will never know what it is like to feel a little kick in my belly or to have midnight cravings. I will never get to see my belly grow and rock some cute maternity gear:) My daydreams of having a child that looks identical to Todd and I are vanishing and that is okay. It really is. I shed tears tonight for something that will never be because it was not in His will ever. I also shed tears tonight of joy for knowing that His beautiful will is the best and I heard Him once again loud and clear. I am overjoyed in sorrowful moments and circumstances. The best legacy I can leave my children is to see a woman whose hope causes her to walk steady with the Lord. I choose to walk in the grace He bestows and not in what He has not given me.
I am sure my friends that have walked through infertility have heard of this condition and can tell me all about it. I am sure I could get 2nd and 3rd opinions. I know I could have a surgery to increase our odds of carrying a baby greatly. However, we are not going to do the surgery. We decided many years ago should we ever decide to have biological children and there are complications we would not do surgical intervention.
As a dear friend recently told me "God doesn't shut a door, without opening another." When people ask us, "Do you think you will adopt again?" My answer remains the same as it did yesterday before we knew this news, "We are always open but right now we are just enjoying our two treasures He has already gifted us with". For we have seen we do not make the decisions. We just answer His call. When He tells us to go, we go. When He tells us to stay, we stay. It really is that simple. We will keep carrying along day by day living a very blessed life where every decision we make relies on his Hand at work in our lives.
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him". Psalm 28:7
